Just when I thought I missed those ripped jeans & that old wooden chair.

My life wasn't always as it seemed on the outside. Painted red lips, ripped up jeans, and dirty blond hair echos in my past but never defined me for who I am. Often times I find myself missing what I once called home.  The bad days are the hardest. Those days when life gives me a full fist of shenanigans straight to the gut and I catch myself missing home. Well, I wouldn't call it home. Missing the place I grew up in. The place I lived, laughed, loved, and cried in. I remember the day this photo was taken. My 3 year attempt to find the meaning of life in San Diego was finished, I had needed to reconnect with my roots. With painted red lips, ripped up jeans, and dirty blond hair, this small town girl packed up her bags and left the big city to find a piece of her that what she had left behind.  The drive back home from the airport was long but it gave me and my sister time to catch up. My mom had lost the trailer we grew up in (& the forsaken RV) and had moved into a new one a few miles out of town. For my sister it seemed like nothing had changed but for me the whole world seemed a bit different. We pulled into a trailer park on the outskirts of town. There were children running in and out of the spaces between the homes. The air smelled so fresh and familiar. We pulled up into the driveway of by far the worst looking one of them all. It was blue and setting up on large cinder blocks. You could see through all of the windows as the house had no curtains or blinds hanging from them, The house seemed empty. You could see pieces of the home hanging from underneath its structure, There was no steps to get into the lifted home. There was a wooden kitchen chair set in front of the door to climb into the house. My imagination wondered as I tried to picture my mother and all those kids carry in groceries on that wobbly chair. Its wasn't pretty, but its was what I was going to be calling home for the next few months, I got out of the car wondering if I had made the right decision in coming back when I looked up to see my little brother laughing and welcoming me home... mounted atop a rickety old rocking horse right outside the front door. He spoke with a redneck accent and asked in a joking manner if he could help me in the house. We all burst into laughter and made a game of getting into the house without breaking a leg. Every unsettling feeling and thought I had quickly left my mind and I was overwhelmed with joy and love, because I was home.

I cant say I miss the molded food on the kitchen counter, washing my hair with laundry soap, eating unlabeled mystery cans for dinner, bartering for tampons in high school, chilling winters, itchy scalps, washing the same pair of pants to wear to school everyday, bathtubs filled with food and water for the end of the world, drying off after a shower with a sheet, painting the walls blue with Cassy Knight (well I kinda miss that in a weird way), watching the tears jump off my face far too many times, or living in an RV with no water or power, but I can say that no matter what, there was always laughter in the house. You could always find a smile on a face, The incredible bond people share when living out hard times and facing life's challenges together is inestimable and unyeilding and for that I miss it. 

The story behind naming Benaiah.

I am offeten asked why I named my son Benaiah. 99.9% of the time people are very surprised by what they hear, the reason behind my decision, & the story of Benaiah (that can be found in the Bible... yes it's in the Bible).

Names are very important to one's sense of self and identity. Choosing a name for a child is complicated. I spent hours, days, and months on this pleasant but painstaking process. Our name has the potential to color our interactions with society and I wanted my sons to be a great one. I wanted him to grow up a strong confident brave man of God that could stand up to anything that crossed his path. It is said that people's names might influence how they think about themselves and the way in which people might think about them. People draw subconscious cues all the time about people. You meet a person for the first time and without thinking about it on an explicit level you're looking at the way they're walking, what their accent sounds like, how they're dressed, whether they smell … and you're developing these immediate reactions, We're hardwired to try to figure out in a heartbeat whether or not we want to trust somebody, whether we want to run from somebody. The link between a name and success later in life could have to do with these kids fulfilling others' expectations of them and the expectations of their name.

While taking college courses in Sociology I was told about a village in Africa that named their children after the days of the week. It was a cultural thing and had been going on for years. A few sociologist went their to study the affect a name can have on a person and did a little study. They found that children born on and named after Wednesday had a 90% chance of being involved in crime. The name Wednesday in their language also had another meaning that had negative associations. The children born on and named after Friday however had a 90% chance of becoming a leader in village and doing great things. (FYI I heard this story many years ago so Im sorry if I messed it up a bit but this is the jist of it) That story always stuck with me. To some its just a name but to me it was my sons destiny. And so, it was decided. I would name my son Benaiah. Here is Benaiah's story as it is written in the Bible.

Benaiah the Champion.

BENAIAH, from the Hebrew name pronounced ben-aw-yaw, means built up by the Lord orestablished by God. He was David’s general for the army of the Kingdom of Israel and his chief bodyguard. It is said that he killed an Egyptian warrior with the Egyptian’s own club and spear and killed two of Moab's mightiest warriors. He also killed a lion against all odds of a snowy day after chasing it into a pit. He stood by David through thick and thin standing strong and faithful for what he believed was right and true as God’s will.There was also Benaiah son of Jehoiada, a valiant warrior from Kabzeel. He did many heroic deeds, which included killing two of Moab's mightiest warriors. Another time he chased a lion down into a pit. Then, despite the snow and slippery ground, he caught the lion and killed it. - 2 Samuel 23:20

Mentioned in only two handfuls of old testament scripture, it is clear from what little was there that Benaiah was one loyal, brave, strong, and wise guy. He stood up for what was right and just for God and confessed it with his mouth. It even mentions at one point that he was allowed to ride into town on the king's mule! I mean, you would have to be one righteous dude to ride on a king's transportation unit. That's like the President showing up at your front door to give you the keys to his car saying, "Hey man, I like you and I want you to have this. No one else in this world deserves it more." Ummm, that's pretty awesome? Heck yeah it's awesome!

1Chr 11:22-25 "Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, the son of a valiant man of Kabzeel, mighty in deeds, struck down the two sons of Ariel of Moab. He also went down and killed a lion inside a pit on a snowy day. He killed an Egyptian, a man of great stature five cubits tall. Now in the Egyptian’s hand was a spear like a weaver’s beam, but he went down to him with a club and snatched the spear from the Egyptian’s hand and killed him with his own spear. These things Benaiah the son of Jehoiada did, and had a name as well as the three mighty men. Behold, he was honored among the thirty, but he did not attain to the three; and David appointed him over his guard."

Nedless to say Benaiah was an incredible man of God. He had everything that I want for my son. One of my greatest fears in life is the regret at the end of your life will be the lions you didn’t chase. We will look back longingly on risks not taken, opportunities not seized, and dreams not pursued, but that will not be the case for my son, for he was born a champion.

Our best days often start out as our worst days. And our greatest opportunities are often disguised as our biggest problems. You can land in a pit with a lion on a snowy day, and it will seem like the end of the road. But with God all things are possible.

If you would like to know more about why or to learn more about Benaiah or naming your children check out this amazing video!!!

http://vimeo.com/channels/calvaryfl/98356893